Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
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97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle