Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
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My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Ion see the issue
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
This took me a second..
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?