Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
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Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
everyone has that one prude friend
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Taking phone security to the next level.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
I saw nothing
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.