Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
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I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.