My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
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Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
😂😂😂😂😂😂
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
I can’t wait!
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.