[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
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*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
watergate? u mean a dam??
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.