Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
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Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER