It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
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Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”