@Jdydrcy 6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
@cocainepoops girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
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@Jdydrcy 
@MatCro ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
@atanenhaus Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
@CatherineLMK An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
@samalmightysam Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
@rickkondell I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
@bourgeoisalien don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
@osigat ♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
@ScottFilmCritic If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
@weinerdog4life Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine