@cocainepoops

girlfriend: is crying

me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while

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@Jdydrcy

6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?

@MatCro

ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]

GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?

E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.

GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?

@CatherineLMK

An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.

@samalmightysam

Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.

@rickkondell

I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.

@bourgeoisalien

don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good

@osigat

♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫

Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.