girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
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cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Husband of the year 😂
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Hey Fugeddaboutit