What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
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If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.