If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
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Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Vodka burrito was a success
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Google Pay be like:
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.