*screaming at the smoke alarm*
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Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*