Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
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Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
welcome back
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.