MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
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I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Oh, I bet you would be
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family