If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
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[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Hard not to take this personally
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.