Hard not to take this personally
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[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients