Hard not to take this personally
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Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
He just like my cat fr
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit