Hard not to take this personally
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Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
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Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Breaking news:
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[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.