I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
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Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
A huge thanks to the person that did this
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.