Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
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are there any atheist mantises?
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
what’s more important?
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn