@GrantTanaka

black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow

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@AmishPornStar1

Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”

@Reverend_Scott

Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER

Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT

Dog: probably eat the cat LOL

Dog 911: LOL

@mayamanion

The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot

@david8hughes

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

@NYC_Blonde

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

@jojipaints

Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food

@mdob11

*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*

@SteveSuckington

“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”

Timmy: stupid?

“Exactly”

@awkwardphilippe

[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice

@Blarebare

When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.