black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
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Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.