could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
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Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Otters see a butterfly.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Not all heroes wear capes…