Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
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[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years