Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
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**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue