I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
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Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Ummm
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.