The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
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[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.