There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
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before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
no regrets
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )