Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
You Might Also Like
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
good for her
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Happy birthday to all the women