*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
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‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
AM I BEING GASLIT????
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem