Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
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I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Me My dog
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend