I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
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I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Holy moly
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Why am I like this?
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.