Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
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Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.