When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
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I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.