When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”

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Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.


[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”


I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.

It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!


Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.


Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.


Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!


13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.