When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
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While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Somebody’s lying.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
“Why you watching this shit?”
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection