@ShaneWarne

When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”

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@BryMastas

Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.

@buseysteeth

[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”

@brianbowman73

I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.

It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!

@CulturedRuffian

Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.

@ZachWeiner

Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.

@TchniclrTwtcoat

Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!

@kristabellerina

13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.