I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
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There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
craving $300 all of a sudden
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”