when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
You Might Also Like
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
u guys got any snacks onboard here
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.