“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
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Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’