Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
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I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever