Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
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Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Taking phone security to the next level.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.