[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
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If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.