Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
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I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?