The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
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SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel