Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
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one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
5 ways to appear taller
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
“How’s your day going?”
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
“You drive, I’m tired.”
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…