“How’s your day going?”
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Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Don鈥檛 let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
馃槼
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That鈥檚 a T-Rex, idiot
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.