I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
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THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
He a real one for that
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!