dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
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I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?