Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
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It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
This is me 🤣🤣