My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
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My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
nature’s most graceful animal
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.