I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
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Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Oh no
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat