Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
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Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
You sure about that?
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
this isn’t threatening at all
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair