[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
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I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
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disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.