I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
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ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
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sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!